the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
