I want to walk on stilts...naked
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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