when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
