Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
