it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
