I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
