Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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