im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My Higher Power is John Stamos
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
