you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
