i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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