you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
