Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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