____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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