what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
