he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
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