I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Randomize
