fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
