You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
