And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
