Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
