i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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