that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
