now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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