When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
