why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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