there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
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