just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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