we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
