It was confusing and full of hummus
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
