Umm I'm too high to move.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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