my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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