So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
