Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
