Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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