i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
