I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
