On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I can't put those talents on a resume
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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