So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
