wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
