If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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