i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
