Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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