Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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