I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
