dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
