i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
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The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
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I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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