so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
