I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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