home. puking in laundry basket.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
