before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
