Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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