U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
