I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
