U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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