Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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