He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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