Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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