i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Randomize
