btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
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I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
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You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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