believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
