Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
