i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
