Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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