Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
