update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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