oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
