it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
