Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
