you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I am spending my child support on dildos
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
