PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just invented taco cereal.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
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