I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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